Love and Fear
by grumpyjenn
Summary: What if there are *other* triggers for River Song, triggers the Doctor hasn't seen yet? What if River could overcome those triggers with a little help from one much beloved? M for sexuality and subject matter. Spoilers for Series 6


The Doctor lay in his room on the TARDIS three days after his wedding and still honeymooning, clad only in trousers with his braces around his hips, handcuffed to the headboard. His wife straddled him, looking outrageously sexy in a simple blue singlet and shorts, with her wild hair pinned up and little tendrils escaping at her neck. She smiled that wicked smile at him and purred, "You're trembling, Sweetie. Do I frighten you?"

"Oh, you _terrify _me," he agreed. He tried to match her sultry smirk and only managed to look like a puppy about to be whipped.

All the color drained out of River's face, and the sexy playfulness was replaced by an expression of utter blankness. Without saying a word, she moved to the head of the bed, unlocked the handcuffs, and retreated to a corner of the room, where she sat curled up on the floor, hugging her knees and rocking. _This is not good_, thought the Doctor, _not good at all._ "River?" There was no response. He sat up. "River?" Still rocking, and now she was humming a monotonous little tune, like a nursery rhyme without words. He crossed to her and touched her shoulder. "River?"

She didn't respond, except that she replaced the humming with words - the same words over and over, in time with her rocking... _tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock_... over and over and _over_ until he thought he'd scream with the frustration of not being able to reach her. He got down on the floor next to her and grasped her shoulders, shook her gently. "River? River. _Please_, River, answer me, _please_... River... River, I need you! _River_!" Still no response. He swore under his breath and wrapped his arms around her. What had he _done_ to cause this? No, wait, not what had he _done_... what had he _said_? "_You terrify me"_.

Damn that Kovarian woman! He knew - he _knew_ - that River had been brainwashed most of her life, trained to kill him, the Doctor, from infancy. Why had he assumed that was all over now, simply because Madam Kovarian was gone and he and River were married? Stupid! How could he be so _stupid_! He began to rock along with her, whispering her name and sobbing over and over, "I don't know what to do! I can't reach you... someone please tell me what to do!" They sat there rocking in the corner of his room for several minutes, her chanting _tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock_, and him weeping into her hair.

And then the Cloister Bell began to ring and he looked up. A screen popped out of the wall and on it was the TARDIS herself, as she was when she had been Idris, holding River Song and touching their foreheads together, then spreading her hands in a shrug as if to say _I can't reach her_. And a picture of him appeared, in the forest with the Weeping Angels, leaning over Amy and begging her to remember, touching her forehead with his and then the scene changed again, this time to Amy and Rory's wedding just before he arrived, and he heard _something borrowed, something blue_... and then he understood.

"But I _can't!_ I can't invade her mind, not the way that _she_ did, not without her permission! I can't do it! I haven't been invited and it would be... it would be..." It would be uncomfortably close to rape, to enter River's mind without her permission. But the Old Girl just showed him the same three scenes, over and over, relentlessly pounding into his brain that _she _couldn't reach River, _he _had been able to with Amy, _he'd_ have to do it if he wanted to bring River out of this state. He gritted his teeth and began to think hard. He'd have to be very careful... River was both more intelligent and more psychically sensitive than her mother was. He'd have to be certain he didn't go deeper than necessary to bring her out of this. He'd have to be sure not to show her anything she shouldn't see... no spoilers. He hated to do this to her but he - and the Old Girl - just didn't see another way. He _had_ to... or River could be locked in her own mind forever. And what would _that_ change, not to mention the damage to River herself? It didn't bear thinking about.

He began to construct a virtual fortress within his mind, with all the bits she should not see behind heavily-barred doors, safely tucked out of the way. Especially the Library and the Forest of the Dead... the doors for those were triple-locked. He took a deep breath and took her face in his hands, stopping her rocking... and touched his forehead to hers.

_tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock, tick tock goes the clock... tick tock goes the clock, _

_I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love...I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love...I'm sorry, my love... I'm sorry, my love... _

He looked into her mind beyond the singsong voice but not so deeply as to invade her privacy, and he saw what she had done... and he was awestruck. _She had saved him_. Her programming had told her to kill him when triggered with that phrase, but she _loved _him. Her love for him had enabled her to overcome the compulsion long enough to _unlock the handcuffs_, and then to throw herself into a closed loop in her mind rather than risk killing him. He had known she loved him, but this was so deep and important a love that... that...

_She was amazing_.

He poured all the feelings he had for her, and how he saw her, into the link between them... _amusement, boldness, desire, affection, fear, pain, trust, delight, regret, anger, strength, anxiety, pride, friendship, lust, excitement, anguish, faith, guilt, suffering, cleverness, awe, energy, hurt, courage, joy, frustration, sadness, pleasure, fearlessness, warmth, tempestuousness, grief, heat, wonder, freedom, pity, wildness, ferocity, beauty, loneliness, fierceness, hope, love... Oh!_

And he was jerked free of the link between them as she pulled her head back and put up her hands to clasp his. There were tears running down their faces, mingling as they dripped off their chins. She took his hands in hers, using them both to wipe off her face and then his. He captured her thumb between his lips and kissed it. "River... you are _amazing_. I... I had no idea you could do..." He trailed off as she put her other hand to his lips.

"But I almost killed you!"

"But you _didn't._ You saved me, River."

"But I..." and it was her turn to trail off as he kissed her hard on the lips.

He was hungry for her now, in a way more urgent and intense than before. "You love me _that much_. So much that you overcame _years_ of brainwashing and put yourself into the danger of _losing yourself_ _inside your mind_ out of that love. That's _amazing_, River. Utterly and completely amazing. I don't think I could do it. But you did, because you are my wonderful, delightful, crazy, _beautiful _River Song!" He lifted her up from the floor of the room and carried her to the bed. He laid her down gently, removed her singlet and shorts and his own trousers, and settled down next to her, laying his head on her bare chest and listening. She lay rigidly on the bed, so afraid that she'd hurt him that she was afraid to touch. He reached for her hands and put them into his hair. "It's all right. You're safe with me. _I'm_ safe with _you_." His hearts ached for her, but she finally - _finally_ - began to stroke his scalp under the hair. He sighed in relief. It would be all right; he just had to convince her that he was indeed safe with her. "River... will you make love with me?"

"Can you trust me to?" Her voice was rusty.

He sat up and took her hands, looking straight into her eyes. He loved her eyes and they were still so full of pain and fear... "I _can_ and I _do_. Cross my hearts". He grinned at her, suiting action to word.

"All right," she said huskily, and drew him down to her for a kiss. It started hesitantly... he didn't like her to feel so unsure of herself... but soon she was moaning his name and arching up to meet his questing hands. They were _all over her _and she never knew where they would stroke her next and it was driving her crazy with need and wanting and heat and she began to believe it would be all right. Then he groaned her name and flipped them both over so she was on top of him. She froze, uncertain whether this was safe. The last time...

"River. _I trust you_." He pulled her down for another kiss, nibbling his way from her mouth along her jawline to her neck under the corkscrew curls that had escaped from the pile on top of her head. He dragged one hand with aching slowness down the curve of her neck and shoulder to her breast, stroking it until he felt the tip of it harden under his fingers, and as he stroked her skin his other hand crept to the handcuffs still hanging from the headboard. He snapped the cuff over his own wrist, knowing she heard it as her whole body stiffened with fear. His free hand slid around her waist, running up and down her spine so, _so_ slowly and carefully. "River," he murmured into the ear he was nibbling, "I _trust _you. _Please_, River. I need you. _So much_."

She backed off a bit, looking at him but not meeting his eyes. Then she took a deep breath as if steeling herself, and ran her fingertips lightly from his mouth to the back of his head, gripping his hair and pulling herself back down to him, breathing against his lips, "I hope you know what you're doing." She licked at his mouth, teasing him with her lips and teeth and tongue, and he groaned. She started to move against him, stroking his entire body with hers as she kissed and sucked on his skin down to his chest and swirled her tongue around his nipple. His breath hitched and she could feel his hearts pounding as she worked her way to the other nipple, biting this one gently as he moaned her name. She kissed and sucked and licked and nibbled her way to his navel, dipping her tongue into it as she took off his boxers, and finally, she took him into her mouth.

He arched up to meet her lips, and the hand not imprisoned by the cuffs clutched at the empty air until it found the wild mass of curls piled on top of her head. She sucked and nibbled and licked and kissed and he thought he would go crazy and then she slowly, achingly kissed back up his body. "_River._ Please. _Please_... I can't... can't bear it much longer." She smiled at him, and crawled up him until her breasts we in front of his mouth, giving him as much access as she could without loosening the cuffs. She moaned as he sucked the tip of one breast, and her hand crept down to stroke him. He captured that hand firmly with his own free hand and moved it to the front of her knickers. "If you keep touching me I won't be able to stop," he whispered hoarsely between licks at her breast. "I want you to come for me first, River. Please." She moaned as he stroked her with hr own hand and his, at first through the panties and then underneath them, now sucking on the other breast. He was shaking with the effort of holding himself back and he almost shouted with joy when she swung her leg over him and took him into her body, both of them whimpering with tension and passion and release.

She smiled that wicked smile at him and purred, "You're trembling, Sweetie. Do I frighten you?"

"Not anymore."


End file.
